“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
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5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that