*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
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BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Breaking news:
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.