I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
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Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.