@Matt_The_1st: I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
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@murrman5: [having daughter's new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner] so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
@LivibelsDada: You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
@panmidwest: ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard ME: hannahannahannahannaha