I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.