Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang