@leechee420: I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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@thenatewolf: Me: goodnight kids Kids: goodnight dad Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
@HousewifeOfHell: My kid's latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
@david8hughes: [police car behind me] Me: shit, was that a red light back there? My dog: like a light grey Me: ... My dog: if that helps
@KeetPotato: [scrabble] god: 43 points angel: squid? wtf is squid? god: it's an animal angel: you can't just make up animals god: [jim-faces into camera]