I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.