I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I saw nothing
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…