We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
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Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Sharon, call the vet
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza