@xoCAMILLAxo: I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay's Potato Chips!
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@maughammom: Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
@tripeface: My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
@Reverend_Scott: *rubs magic lamp, genie appears* I wish for World peace. Genie: Can't do it. Million dollars? Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
@bigTman001: Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir? Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?