All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
🤣🤣🤣
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.