I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
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[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.