@lecalabara: I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
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@Rollinintheseat: If history has taught me anything, it's that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
@juneohara65: I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
@simoncholland: I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven't heard back from North Korea yet.
@Jez1: You text him, he doesn't text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.