@lecalabara: I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
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@jannable9: I'm not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
@chewlongkok_: [On phone to police] Has there been a report of a pervert in the park? P: No, there hasn't. Me: oh good. [Goes back to hiding in bushes]
@DadandBuried: "Try it, it's so good!" "Come on, man. Just a taste." "I'm having some. Mmmm." "Trust me." Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
@iGreenMonk: My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me. At least that's one thing she has in common with my wife.