I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
The Weeknd is back