I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
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Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Comparing yourself to others
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
lol
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise