I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
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Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Anyone want a chair?
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
You deplete me
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned