I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close