I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
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Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.