@kirstiealley: I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
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@AllTheUglyTruth: Made the decision that I'm done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
@vikkaroni: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."
@donni: When I die, I'm donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they're not into it
@UnFitz: I've been towing this guy around by a rope for years. When is he going to learn to do this by himself? - dogs, maybe