I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
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Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.