@shadygrenade: *ransom note on gun* [1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions] [ps please mail gun back it's my only one]

@baconNmeggs: With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

@ChickenFrecklez: Are you turned on? Switch I might be!

@theshamingofjay: I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.

@notacroc: GROCER: slide your card ME: it didn't work GROCER: does it have a chip? ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no