@shadygrenade: *ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it's my only one]
@baconNmeggs: With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
@ChickenFrecklez: Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
@theshamingofjay: I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
@notacroc: GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn't work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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