I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
You Might Also Like
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Hey i am sexy to you now
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you