Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
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The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek