i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
You Might Also Like
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months