I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
This one’s “Alex”.
@ candidates for local office
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.