I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
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Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
So creative 😂
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
jesus christ confetti not now
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.