I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
You Might Also Like
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
mom had nothing to worry about
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Godspeed, John Glenn
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
*updates tinder bio*
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?