I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
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I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
If snakes were wide
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
mmm onion ringos
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”