@roadkill3x: I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn't tell because it didnt have an anvil.
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@kimmie_1980: Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
@Brianhopecomedy: Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
@BadassBarbie11: If you blow out the kid's Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.