inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
ugh not again
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers