If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
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*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”