Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
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Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
How all things should be taught/explained.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”