I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Close call…
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
beware of dog
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.