I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.