I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
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If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.