“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
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Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.