@abbycohenwl: I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, "Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?"
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@AndrewNadeau0: I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I'm going to say it. I think I'm smarter than most, if not all, babies.
@AHundredElbows: [at pet store] "This tortoise's shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?" "No, it happens. It's just a reptile dysfunction."
@GringoBrulee: Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. W: god I hate you. M: yes, use your hate
@TCsSideBitch: *standing outside your house I was totally going to stalk you but... *pets your dog instead