I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
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Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
he chose this
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
no one likes gloating