Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
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I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?