Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
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Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.