I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.