@KaysNH: I thought I'd lose tons more weight if I drank extra glasses of water every day, but I guess I was just diluting myself.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why are we here? Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions
@notalogin: First they came for the people who say "Awesome sauce," and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
@Just_some_girl2: Seeing twin toddler red haired girls on leashes in Target was my birth control reminder for the day.
@iwearpajamas: I've been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics. TakeJuan'sdough.