If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
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i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.