Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
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… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no