@Pmerrily: I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels...boy was I wrong
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@donjuantip: Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.
@NikiWithIssues: I'm not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
@ldgadamn: “if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you too?” first of all, i’d jump off a cliff without my friends
@Jake_Vig: George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly