Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*