“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
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[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is