I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
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[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.