@shutupmikeginn: I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.
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@recoveringbapti: I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain't no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck
@Bobinhiding: Sext I just received from my wife- "Wake up! You're snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed."
@littlelady899: When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
@craiguito: RIP the dinosaurs. Can't believe it's 65 million years already. Always in my thoughts