I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
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My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir