I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
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My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee