Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Thrilling chase underway
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
sliding into dms like
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I’m being attacked 😭
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how