Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
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WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
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[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Favourite diary entry ever
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.