I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
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For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Love is always patient and kind.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help