I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”