I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
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Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.